THE BUS

Maybe you have seen pictures of an old bus rumbling across a wild mountain range, somewhere in China or Pakistan. An bus full of people, crawling along on a steep dirt road. If not, you can find thousands of pictures of it online – video and photos taken from all angles. Find a picture of a colorful, rusty bus crawling down a narrow gravel road, mountain peaks in the background.

I was one of those people sitting in the bus, at a time when I traveled the world. The bus was not full of people, just about 20 locals boarded together with me and I had happily settled in the last row under the rear window. As we began moving, I felt an adventurous sense of no return. We had traveled a few hours, climbed uphill into the mountain range we had to cross. Then came the moment when my life was turned upside down, never to be the same again. Here is what happened:

The crunching sound of tyres on gravel and my sense of being swayed along in a dreamlike state suddenly gives way to serious bumping and shaking, the old bus seems to be breaking apart. Sure enough I open my eyes to look around. I am not surprised being in this bus, not surprised by the gravel and the bumps either, but scanning along length of the seats - I startle and rub my eyes. I am taking another look at the people who are traveling with me. While I can not see all of their faces, those that I sees are...familiar. In the true sense of the word they are family, members of my extended family, all of them. I close my eyes again, my mind is determined to reject what I saw.

'I am dreaming, it can only be a dream, I sit in a bus full of strangers and I am damn sure of that. I'll just go back to sleep again.'

Wait a minute, I just thought I am dreaming and now I want to go back to sleep ? That's nonsense !

My eyes wide open, I avoid looking at my fellow travellers and instead focus on the landscape beyond the rows of windows all the way down to the windscreen at the front of the bus. There is more rattling and a slight swerving of the rear axis, more bumps and skittles, brakes are being applied and released.

I see a narrow bend ahead.

It is impossible to know whats coming next, the road disappears from sight, rocky mountains are rising high and sharp on both sides of the narrow gravel road. There is not enough space for two vehicles to pass each other.

No middle lane, no signboards, nothing.

No time to think or worry, just a sinking feeling around the stomach and heat creeping up and into my face while the bus navigates the bend and the landscape opens up to reveal a most beautiful view across a valley to the left. I see soft mist wavering at the bottom and an array of green hills in the distance. My breath is stuck in the chest until a familiar dizzyness triggers me to inhale again.

I want to enjoy what I see but my thoughts run amok - 'wow', 'but', 'if', 'look','unreal' - until the rattling, crunching noise, the sensation of swerving and bumping and the smell of diesel fumes bring reality into my focus again.

The bus is heading down a long and straight slope, far away at the bottom appears to be a stone bridge across a river and behind the bridge a sharp upward bent to the right. Fear creeps up on me, immediately amplified and I realize that the bus is speeding. The old vehicle is accelerating downhill without any brakes or correction. Shoes, bags and children's toys scattered on the floor and under seats are rolling forward.

I get up from my seat and make my way down the aisle, holding on to the seats left and right for balance.

'These people....'the people here, how can they not notice ? How can they still sit with their eyes closed or chatting away with each other ? This is crazy, its obvious, it is scary.....at a speed like this we have no chance to navigate that narrow bridge down there and even if we do, the curve behind it will be the end of our journey !'

There is no time left, no second to lose, a wild urgency jolts me forward, an incredible, fear-driven anger is bursting out, I hear myself shouting:

'Whats the matter with you idiots, are you all asleep? We'll crash in a few seconds !'

I shout some more of the same, fragments of deperation, loud, like stones, like pelting them all with words of stone.

An elderly woman turns her head and as her eyes meet mine, I see a mixture of embarrassment and disgust in her face, a slight shaking of her head. She turns away, mumbling ' calm down, there's nothing' and closes her eyes.

I have to do it alone, I give up on the thought of finding help or even being noticed, of convincing anyone, of testing the aliveness of what I thought were people, I don't care about any of them. This is about my own life and my life must continue, I need to live - fuck everyone else.

Not more than 10 seconds have passed since I rose from my seat, it felt like a rocket launch, all my attention is now on reaching the bus driver's seat, he or she is the culprit, he or she is the only one who can stop this madness. If that person is incapitated or drunk or unconsious or just plain mad I will make sure to take over the steering wheel and the breaks in no time.

There is not a shred of doubt that I can and will do it - another second later, stumbling toward the front seat I see who is holding onto the black metal of the steering wheel. It is a young boy, just about 10 or 12 at the most. His hands are slipping on the wheel that is jerking violently as the tyres navigate gravel and rocks. He is balancing on the edge of the seat, his legs outstretched and one foot trying to press down on the breaks.

Crazy, madness, insane, unreal, impossible.

Grabbing the boy by his shoulders and arms, I push his hands away from the wheel, holding on to it, I use my body to shove the boy sideways and aim my feet onto the brake. Finding the pedal, I push down on it, hard, and again. There is no time to look out the window, no time to be afraid, there is no thought, not even fear. Instead, there is a dead sure, lustful sense of doing what needs to be done and an acute awareness of what I expect to happen next. The breaks will kick in, the bus might swerve, I don't know how far down we have come on the slope. There is a possibility that it might be too late, a chance of carnage.

The whole world is closing in on me, each second so incredibly rich that it's impossible to fit into minutes. I seem to have exploded into the scene as pure aliveness, a force of nature, not a person. I actually don't care anymore, there is no more 'I'.

There is no space in my mind for a third option, beyond bringing the bus to stop by braking or crashing into the bridge, it doesnt exist. But when my foot feels no resistance while pushing the pedal down to the max I lift my head to look out the windscreen and see the bridge and the narrowness of it and feel cold water running down my spine - the bus stops in the most unusual way.

As if caught in a net, bouncing forward, the vehicle is being stopped with the gentle softness of a hydraulic elevator, a gunk in my gut, a slight vibration of settling into a place, a gentle kind of sinking and then...no more movement.

I immediately take a dive to the front door, grab the handle and it flies open. On the verge of jumping out I turn and look back at the boy. I see his wide eyed, startled face, his mouth is open, his hands raised, his lean body stiff in shock.

'You ok ?'

'I dont know.'

'Lets get out of here!'

'Why ?'

'Why?' This is another crazy, unreal moment and I tumble out of the door onto the gravel, scramble up and run, run for the hills, upward, across bramble and bushes, never once looking back.

Never.

Once.

Looking

Back

I spend hours climbing mountains. This is a wild and foreign place, the only constant is a change of temperature as I move in and out of shadow patches and the endless display of nature, trees, rocks, grass and flowers. I stop and drink at a fresh water creek, I pass by a small lake, see ants and critters, some wildlife seems to be peeking out of the woods. Finally I feel exhausted and sit down to rest. It is a moment of giving up, of surrender to the madness of it all, a holy moment of Nothingness. I have lost my sense of time but the sun is still up there in the sky. As I finally lift my head and stretch my limbs and look around I see - a house in the distance. It seems to be made of stone, with a roof and chimney and there is a brown footpath nearby.

'Direction! I had to give up to get direction, how odd, how strange.

Energized, I set out for the house. I do not stop along the way to rest, not even to estimate the distance. Taking the last steps toward the building I feel that verything, every sensation and sight, every sound, smell and thought I had since jumping from the bus onto the gravel and this very moment is being wiped off, dropped, deleted. And yet...I must have walked for a while, the sun is just about to vanish behind the mountains.

The house is a proper home, not desolate, no ruin. It doesn't look particularly inviting but it is the home of someone - I will soon find out who that is.

"Gretel arriving at the home of the witch with no Hansel around'

A slight smile of amusement dances around my face, I take a deep breath and - arriving at the door - I hesitate. Get your act together - here is a house, there is the door, get yourself inside. NOW'

A slight push and and the wooden entrance door gives way, opens into a narrow hallway leading to a room from which come muffled voices, chatter and laughing.

I am relieved, I did not like the thought of the house being occupied by a single human being - man or woman - out here in the wilderness. The sound of several happy voices feels good, I notice my shoulders relaxing and close my eyes for a second while leaning against the wall. The door to the room full of people is half open, just a few metres away.

'What will I tell the people - they will want to know who I am - and I - dont - know - I have no idea how I got here - maybe its ok - if I can just sleep in peace - somewhere - here - tomorrow I will be able to recall.'

I open my eyes again and walk to the door, no stopping, no clandestine peeping, I move through the half open door into the room.

Boom.

Why is nobody noticing a stranger in the door? How come no one is looking at me, no open mouths, no stopping of conversation, no silence, no surprised gestures and faces ?

Its true, none of this happens, I seem to be invisible. Standing there, next to the open door inside the room, I look and listen with a sense of slow motion, outwardly calm. My mind is in overdrive but I am good at containing the riot inside. My heartbeat didn't accelerate, I do not feel hot or cold, a slight tension around the stomach is tolerable. It is all too surreal, interesting and strange.

To my right I see a dining area with old fashioned furniture, not antique, just a 1950s set of table and chairs. On the table are leftovers of a dinner, used plates, half empty bowls. A group of people sit there, chatting to each other, holding half full glasses of red wine. To the left the room opens up into a living area with armchairs and two couches, a low table, I see more wine glasses and more people. Straight ahead is an open fireplace, cold but stacked with wood and next to it stands another couch. Its black wood and glaring red upholstery is a break in style, a sore misplacement, a 'not belonging' piece of furniture.

It takes me no more than five seconds to take all this in but it seems like minutes. I berate my own sense of time while a voice within states that 'it doesn't matter'.

A door in the back of the room, next to the table, opens. It seems to lead to a kitchen, I catch a glimpse of hanging cupboards before the door closes again. Two children and an elderly woman have entered the room. The older of the children, a boy of 6 or 7years, takes the woman;s hand and leads her to the red couch next to the fireplace. She sits down the way old people sit down, careful, slow, attentive and relieved.

I feels as if watching a movie on a big screen, interested but uninvolved. I have a sense of being able to leave whenever I want, without anyone noticing or caring. They are all actors and I am the only one alive. What will happen if I go to the table, sit down, take food and eat ? Will they still not notice ? Maybe they see me and just dont care ?

An old, white haired man in one of the comfortable armchairs turns his head to look at the woman on the couch. He nods, takes his wineglass and a spoon and raises out of the chair to stand. The tingling sound of the spoon against the glass alerts everyone to be quiet. Very quickly everyones attention is on the old man who smiles broadly. One by one he connects eye to eye with everyone, raising the glass at each person with a nod and a smile. Now, now it's my turn!

He nods and smiles at me too and I nod and smile back.

Boom.

The man is one of my uncles, my father's brother, his name is Jeffrey. I have not seen him since I was a child. Holding my breath and tensing my shoulders, clamming my hands together in front of my chest, I realise the unbelievable fact that every person in the room family, extended family. Some faces I am sure to remember from a black and white photo others I have met and know by name. The woman on the red couch is my mother in law, the boy is my nephew, the little girl my niece. But it is impossible, absolutely impossible for all these people to be here, together in one room.....

Jeffreys voice is filling the room : 'I am honored to be here with all of you tonight. I am especially happy to see you, dear Dalene' He bows toward my Mother in Law on the red couch and puts his wineglass back on the table.

"I am here today to tell you that, to our great delight' ... here he briefly pauses to make sure he has everyone's attention....'you, dear Dalene, have been chosen to drive the bus. Tomorrow is your big day.'

Boom

No. Not this.

Incredible anger rises up inside me, a primer for an explosion, a strong urge to run out the door and back into the wilderness. But a voice, maybe a voice of reason, maybe a voice of intuition, maybe a voice from beyond reason and intuition whispers right behind my ears 'it's a movie, it cannot be real. It's not about me, I am just a spectator. I want to know what she says, I want to know where I am, I want to know, I want to stay, make me stay, make me quiet, calm me down to watch, to listen please. Dalene will refuse to drive the bus, I know her from younger years, she was always timid, always anxious, always but and if, always always profoundly scared of life, of doing anything, of deciding, of tomorrow...and I bet she will say 'no I wont drive that bus' and 'I cannot do that', she will ask for her husband to do it for her but he is dead, he passed away a few years ago, she must be way beyond her 80s now and anyway, what's got uncle Jeffrey to do with her, they never even met, they dont consider themselves family, this is madness, if I wasnt here and would not see it with my own eyes I would not believe it....am I here ? Am I seeing this with my own eyes? Shut up !'

Dalene on the red couch, her feet not touching the floor, raises her hands and says : Oh thank you, but you know that I cannot drive this bus, I can hardly drive my little car!'

Her feeble voice is drowned out by the children who are clapping hands, jumping up and down with joy and shout 'Horray, yes ! Granny will drive the bus ! Tomorrow Gran will drive the bus.'

Dalene is not sure if Jeffrey heard what she said and repeats, her voice wavering with an anxious vibration, her pounding heart playing a rhythm in her throat 'Listen Jeffrey, I can not drive the bus. Billy must drive us, he can do it, he will do it for me, you know I am not able to...'

Jeffrey just smiles and nods.

Now it will all fall apart. Jeffrey will tell Dalene that Billy is no more, that she buried him a while ago'

He answers: 'Dear Dalene, Billy is not here, he might come later, he might not, we dont know. It is important for all of us that you drive the bus tomorrow - and we all know you can do it.'

Everyone in the room joins in a kakophonie of assurances, voices loud and small, high and low, women and men all saying the same thing using different words and the children jumping and clapping their hands.

"Wonderful! It's your turn now! Finally ! You can do it Dalene ! We root for you ! Congratulations Dalene ! Don't worry! You will be fine !'

Exhaling deeply, I feel a strange, inexplicable impulse to join them in their affirmations and at the same time a repulsion, a pull toward the scene, into the room, to make myself visible and heard. My escape from the bus, when did that happen? A day ago or a week? A month or years ago ? In another lifetime? It doesnt matter, the sensations are real it's tearing me apart. But - I dont need to be on that bus tomorrow, no one can force me to join. Let Dalene drive them all down the cliff! Wait a minute, that's an awful thought, I dont want harm, do I ? But they can all go wherever they want, these people cannot possibly be real, I can not possibly be here with all of them, it is a movie, nothing but a movie! I dont want to watch it but I want to know what will happen next - I want to flee, I want to stay, I want to know if this is real or not!'

I straighten my back. I have been leaning against the wall next to the door and now I walk over to Jeffrey in the armchair who is taking a sip of his red wine. I bend down, look at him and say:

"Dalene can not drive that bus! You know it, I know it and everyone knows it. Billy is dead, he doesnt come later. What is going on here anyway and how come that you, Uncle Jeffrey - of all people - are here ?"

Our eyes lock and in the same moment a curtain lifts, I feel a fresh breeze of air, I see rays of light. New thoughts are dancing in the air, I receive them with the air I breathe, they rise rapidly into consciousness.

'I got it !' I whisper next to Jeffreys ear. 'No one is EVER driving that bus! We are all just fiddling around, thinking we are driving. Like kids on roundabouts on a fun fair. Right ?"

A slight nod and smile, Jeffrey's eyes are not blinking.

"I get it, Jeffrey ! Everyone needs to sit down to drive the bus, at least once in their lifetime. Because driving it is the ony way we can find out that we're actually NOT driving - that we are not in control....Am I right? Is that it ?"

He puts a finger across his mouth, nods and whispers : "You got it."

From the depth of the room, out of all my confusion, sensations and mixed emotions, I have a sense of being lifted up into a space and calmness, silence and newness. Like a journey through wavering warm mist surrouding me, I am flying in disembodied weightlessness. A second later I feel a thump around the gut, a warm familiar thud.

Here I am in my body again, slowly gaining a sense of aliveness and a realisation of having returned.

Opening my eyes I find myself in my room, in my bed, in my home. Bewildered but utterly satisfied. Help me to not foget. Lie still, dont move and remember everything you can.

"I got it."